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Powerlessness inventory

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Aug. 4th, 2007 | 11:52 am
posted by: todd_lemon in joyousfreedom

What are some patterns or situations which are not working in your life?

Oh, great, now I have to think about what my life involves.
Well I guess I have a pattern of isolating even from close friends, which makes me question whether I can call them close friends. And as someone who is multiple, I basically try to hide from everyone because I feel like it is so obvious when I am particularly the one who is out. And at the same time, I want to be seen and noticed and appreciated as being who I am, and of course even if people know that I am out they aren't necessarily going to acknowledge that and it is terrifying if they do. So, none of that works for me. My fear of people and of myself doesn't work for me. I guess my relationships with food and money and my body aren't working for me either. I'm not sure what is working for me. Okay, I guess my willingness to be honest with myself and others about this stuff now is working for me. And my relationship with a higher power who I can listen to and ask for help from is working for me, even if I'm not really using it a lot yet. But like, I can listen to the dreams I have and the messages I get from the universe in them, and come here as a result. And that works for me. So far.

What have you tried over and over to change or to stop doing, with no success?

Binge-spending. Binge-eating. Binge-hiding!

What are the patterns or situations that you have no idea how to change, although you have very much wanted to?

Well, I really want to change this thing that I talked about where I have all these dreams for what I want to do with my life, like selling truffles I make or like food writing, and instead I start them and then run from them. Or don't even start them, just get ideas and fantasize about them and then run from actually doing anything. And sometimes I binge-spend on books or supplies and THEN run from it all, which REALLY doesn't work for me. I guess that doesn't actually work for me any less than the other way, but it's a little more expensive.

Where in your life do you find yourself acting out of anger or fear?

What? Everywhere! I guess there are ways where I act out of myself and my dreams, tiny little moments like a seedling reaching out for the sun... And then I clomp down on myself with my fear. Anger, I don't know so much. I think that I am so guided by my fear that it is hard to notice or express anger. I have a lot of anger about the abuse, but it is all somewhere under the surface. Fueling my fear.

What do you find yourself doing that is harmful to you?

Hey wow, this list went a lot faster than the other one. Um... Not doing my chores, not paying attention to my life, not paying attention to my food or my body, not talking to people, not doing or saying the things that I feel drawn to do or say, not living my life, avoiding everything, being a relationship anorexic and a life anorexic, buying into my fears, spending money that is outside of my budget just because something shiny that I really want is in front of me. Oh, I just got that. I avoid all my dreams and my life so then when something shiny that I really want is there, all of that pent-up energy explodes and I am like, I NEED this. When what I really need is everything it represents to me. And then I get it and I read it or use it occasionally or eat it and I never get what it represented to me or what I really wanted or needed and plus it throws my whole spending plan out of whack. Maybe if I set aside a certain amount of money and/or time that I HAD to spend pursuing my dreams each day or each week. That would be a really cool start!

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Comments {3}

Catherine

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from: precisegirl
date: Aug. 18th, 2007 03:39 am (UTC)
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I really identify with the stuff about not wanting people to recognize you and yet wanting them to recognize and value who you are. I remember when I had the first emotionally intimate relationship I'd ever really had, the first time I was ever actually valued and recognized for myself. It felt so scary! But it was so incredible to discover that people could like me for me (like that song says), and it meant that I got to learn so much about what was valuable about myself. No one person is ever going to find and tell me everything that is awesome about me, so it was important to diversify and learn to trust more people so that I could learn about myself. But even just having that one experience, even when that friendship ended, helped me see that I was strong enough to withstand the fear and to find joy in myself and START trusting myself and others. I am still working on it!

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Catherine

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from: precisegirl
date: Aug. 18th, 2007 03:40 am (UTC)
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also I really hear the binge-everything as well as the other extreme of like life anorexia. That desire to shut everything out and everything down and just not have anything so that we don't have anything to lose. It's crazy though because all we are doing that way is making sure we don't have anything.

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Catherine

seedling reaching out for the sun

from: precisegirl
date: Aug. 18th, 2007 03:42 am (UTC)
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this is also really great because you have a lot of clarity about what you want to change and what you want to bring into your life. Maybe one way to do the second and third steps could be to pick something that you have always wanted to try (or finish trying) and ask your higher power to help you have that in your life? and keep a record of how it shows up and what you are able to do toward it? I like keeping records :)

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