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three more higher power stories

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Aug. 17th, 2007 | 08:07 pm
posted by: precisegirl in joyousfreedom

My higher power is so good! i had been obsessing about WHY i couldn't write, for hours, because i was thinking about writing things all day, and i finally got that i was tired and that being tired was why i couldn't write AND that it was "legitimate" for me to be tired because i walked all over the place all afternoon. It is frustrating that I don't give myself compassion or support around being tired unless I know why I am tired and think it is "legitimate." Maybe that is something that I can turn over.

And i was having the same problem with getting around to working. I just didn't want to do my work, and I had a limited amount of time left to finish (or indeed start) it. And then i did start and my higher power gave me a huge pile of the easiest tasks imaginable. Like, I didn't even have to think. I've never seen work so easy before.

And then my addict brain, the super-controlling negative voice from the abuse, was all, "you should do more now! since you can! to show you are grateful! and to pay them back for you being able to do the work fast!" And I decided to do ONE more thing, and I saw that there were none of the super-easy tasks left - there had been just exactly enough for me to finish all my work, no more or less. It was awesome! And the more that I turn work stuff over to my higher power and ask her for help, and the more that I use program principles in my work life instead of overworking and judging and criticizing and shaming myself, the more I notice things like this happening. Things like getting just the right kind of work for me each day, and like not having to worry that I put off working and now I am tired because no matter what my needs are going to get met.

Also, I was trying today to find this new ice cream place. And first I went too far in the wrong direction and it led me to my cat food store, and I got to remember that I hadn't bought catfood yet and that I had enough left over to buy ID tags for my cats. And I wanted to second-guess myself and obsess about whether it was okay for me to get ice cream or whether I was trying to binge-eat or binge-spend or something - but I kept seeing signs, literal signs for ice cream, and parking spots right in front of them, and I figured my higher power was letting me know it was okay. That critical abuse-related voice is all "oh sure, that's convenient," but I know that it's not a rationalization because I have years of practice exploring the ways that I communicate with my higher power (which other people might call finding the next right step or listening to their gut or any number of other things) and so I know the difference for me between obsessive rationalization and actually getting heathy helpful messages.

And then I was trying to find it in the other direction, and i couldn't, and i got a local free paper that told me it was at College and Ashby. And I'll explain first that one of the ways I get messages from my higher power is through coincidence or "shout-outs," and one of them lately has been ads for this particular car sharing place called Zipcar that my girlfriend and I used on our vacation. So i had decided that Ashby was farther down and that i was at Alcatraz, so i walked back to my car, and i passed a zipcar ad! and it was like, you are in the right place! and then i drove a little farther down and realized i had gone too far, and i turned around IN A CITY CAR SHARE LOT! and it was like, this is city car share not zip car, so you are NEARLY in the right place! It was like the Goddess was playing "hot and cold" with me. "You're very hot... now you're just warm!" And I found it and did not binge-spend and just bought the amount that I wanted that felt appropriate and it was really good, and I was able to experience eating it and enjoying it... as opposed to just mechanically eating it because I'm dissociating, which happens especially when I am eating from what my brain thinks it wants when my body wants something different or nothing at all.

And the third thing is that - coincidences and motifs again - my higher power, out of nowhere, has started showing me instances of great parenting. Normally what I see other parents doing is acting out with their kids, and I get to struggle with how and whether to say anything. And then last night in the bookstore, I saw a mom with these two little kids. And I guess they had to leave and they weren't getting all the books the kids wanted, and one of them was going "but I want this book now!!" kind of thing. And before the mom could even say anything, the other tiny little kid chirped, "You can always get it ANOTHER time!" And it was such a healthy voice, you know - it has taken me years to be able to accept not getting everything right away and waiting until ANOTHER time, because I never got to feel like my needs were met as a kid so I never felt safe waiting for anything I wanted. It all felt very desperate and NOW NOW NOW.

And then, as if to prove where the kids were getting this healthy stuff, the mom said, "Come on, my beautiful boys, it's time to go!" I was like, wow, I never hear people being that nice to their kids! Shouldn't she be "laying down the law" unnecessarily about which books they are getting and yelling at them for wanting more and for slowing her down? And then they went and found their dad, and she explained to him that they would be coming back in five days to get these other books. Even more amazing! She had actually let the kids know when they could get more books, and made a commitment to them, and now she was communicating it to her partner! And then one of the little kids was talking a mile a minute to the dad about every page of this book they were getting, and the dad was actually listening! And then she told the kids to say thank you to the store owner but the kids got stuck in the revolving card rack while playing in it while the mom bought their stuff, and instead of yelling at them to prove what a good mom she was to everyone else or ignoring what was going on with them and yelling at them to say thank you some more, she just laughed and helped them! And then they did say thank you on their way out.

It was crazy! And then today at the ice cream store, this mom was in line at the ice cream store and her kids came and the older one had the poutiest pout on her face. And the mom NOTICED and asked her what was wrong NICELY, and the kid was all, we wanted to do another thing with the parakeet! And the mom asked what, and the kid got all excited about how they were going to build it some kind of tree, (I did not understand this story at all), and the mom totally was like, that sounds great! we're going to get ice cream and after that we can go back to the parakeet and do more things! I was like, why isn't she getting upset because the kid is ungrateful and spoiling her plans?

It was amazing. I want to see more of these people who can actually nurture their children and rejoice in them and value them and meet them on their own ground!

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