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thoughts on the third step

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Mar. 15th, 2008 | 11:43 am
posted by: kaleidescope in joyousfreedom

[A new sponsee of mine left me a message this morning, and mentioned having "found herself" getting back with her ex which she did not want to do. I wrote her this response (in part) and I liked what I said so I wanted to share it here!]
i loved when you said that you "found yourself" getting back together
with your ex. I think that is how you put it! It's such a great step
one kind of place to be in. I have felt the same way so many times -
like this stuff just seems to happen, like I am at the mercy of unseen
forces - I "ended up" getting back together with someone, or not
paying a bill on time, or I just suddenly realized that I had spent
more than was in my bank account, or I found myself agreeing to do
something I didn't want to do, or whatever.


And it is just so amazing and awesome how clear the powerlessness in
all this stuff is. Like, of COURSE we are at the mercy of unseen
forces. We're at the mercy of all the crazy abuse shit in our
backgrounds. I am on the 3rd step again in my various programs, and I
read the 3rd step in the ABA big book last night (i started keeping a
bunch of different big books in the bathroom so i would actually read
them sometimes!) and it said all this stuff about how our "will" is
our thinking and our "life" is our actions, so we are just turning our
thinking and actions over to a higher power. And I was thinking this
morning about how that's scary to me because I confuse my thoughts and
actions with myself, and sometimes I am willing to turn everything
about myself over to my higher power and sometimes it terrifies me!

And it occurred to me that that's not really what's required of me
here. It's like, there's me. And then there's what is currently
shaping my thoughts and actions in addiction, which is abuse: all the
shame and fear and negative messages about the world and about myself
that tells me that I need to hit the chocolate if I feel triggered or
stay up really late to be safe or do whatever it takes to avoid
feeling my feelings. And then there are the areas in which I've
already turned some of those behaviors and ideas over to my higher
power, and seen how much more awesome and joyful it is - not just to
have those things lifted, but to get to trust that I have consistent
emotional support from a loving universe, which is SO THE OPPOSITE of
how it felt when I was growing up. And all I have to do is ask my
higher power to take over shaping my thoughts and actions, in the
areas where my abuse still does it. And I can do all kinds of things
to help that, like noticing where stuff becomes unmanageable or where
I am trying to control everything or where I know I am doing things
that don't work for me, and choose to (or ask for help to become
willing to) let that shit go.

I am excited about exploring this and working the third step ever more
deeply in my life. I would love to hear other people's experiences
with this stuff!

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